My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
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Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share