I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
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If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”