My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
There’s always that one guy
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I don’t know what to do
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.