If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
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Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.