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*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Nose
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Need this in my life lol
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Siri, fight Alexa.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now