PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
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I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.