I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
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I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby