The Friday File.
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I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.