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What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself