Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
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Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE