My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers