murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
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Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.