A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
*frowns in Scottish*
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that