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It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Gods work.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I’m not alone. I have ants.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.