My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
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Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
#FunnyLife Insects
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.