Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
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So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My new favorite headline
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”