CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
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I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Check your privilege
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Would you wear it?
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.