I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
You Might Also Like
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”