If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
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ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich