Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
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I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
The answer is funnier than the question
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.