Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
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Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.