Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
How do you milk an almond?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.