*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
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When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
We found love in a hopeless place.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera