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A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
You can’t rush stupid.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children