I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
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The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!