if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
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Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
constantly working on myself.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again