Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
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Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
✌️
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem