To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
sir, my pâté if you please
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes