Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Fiction has to make sense.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.