sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
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God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.