Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
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A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”