The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
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Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
❤️🦆
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over