When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
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I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.