Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
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If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope