[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
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I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
There is wisdom there.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
FRED: right
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.