boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
You Might Also Like
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*