wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
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told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.