hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
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[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
“We will wed,” I threatened
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
But is it really??
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.