Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
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Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.