One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
You Might Also Like
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.