[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
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Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.