beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
doing some research
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card