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[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me