This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
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Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff