“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
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My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I got soap in my shower beer again.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)