As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
You Might Also Like
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.