Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
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[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.