If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
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If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.