With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
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Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Wake me when AI does housework
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My first child will be named New Folder.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.