I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
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what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Facebook memories be like
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.